Often on the seeking journey there are periods of astonishing clarity, and yet they always seem to fade. The seeker is left having experienced something that felt like insight, but when it dissolves they are left right back where they started. The monkey mind goes quiet for a while, but then it comes back — and goes bananas!
Sound familiar?
This was a very frustrating pattern in my practice back in my ardent-seeking days. Sometimes the flash of clarity would only last for a few moments while meditating. Sometimes it would last for hours1. In those moments of clarity nothing was wrong, nothing was confusing, there was no “self” in the middle of it all; just an easy-flowing “suchness” of activity. The quietness of the mind was the most conspicuous feature of these experiences to me. The absence of the “ego” type of sense-of-self was the second most conspicuous feature.
When consciousness returned to “normal” I always felt like I lost something. Or, perhaps, that I had gained something — something undesirable. Whichever way you want to characterize it, my practice became frustrated in chasing after these ephemeral moments of sublime clarity. And there was a heavy burden of disappointment or feelings of failure when such experiences could not be “conjured.” It gave me the erroneous notion that I could be doing something “right” or “wrong” in my practice. In due course, I came to realize the error of my ways.
Inquiry Case Study: My Journey
In the ardent-seeking days, my meditation sessions (often two, one-hour sessions per day: morning and evening) were not mindfulness, nor zazen, as they had been in prior years. I was fully-committed to self-inquiry, as advocated by Ramana Maharshi. I had read Be As You Are. I was baffled by what I read, yet it was compelling for reasons I couldn’t put my finger on… I had also read all of Gary Weber’s2 books, which strongly advocated for self-inquiry in the Maharshi style. In confusion, I reached out to Gary and he very graciously responded. He coached me over email with brief, weekly correspondences for a couple of months3.
I burned with desire to “get to the bottom” of who/what I was. I followed his tips as best I could. But as the self inquiry investigation unfolded, I felt I was chasing a ghost. The moments of clarity seemed to indicate that I was at least somewhat on the right trail. But why could nothing fully resolve or stabilize?
This kind of inquiry/practice is a double-edged sword. It lets you cut to the chase, but it can also leave you feeling like a failure when things don’t become clear. I investigated and found obviously there was no “self.” But I was frustrated as to why it felt like there was a “self,” and often intensely so!
I pushed, I dug, I questioned, with ever-increasing intensity… and then, eventually, I burned out. I became so frustrated at the lack of “answers,” and so weary of the protracted effort, that I just gave up. It dawned on me that I might never solve the riddle, so what was the point in killing myself to try to do so? I decided to relinquish my regimented practice, and just get on with my regular life.
But once it hooks you, the mystery never let’s go. I couldn’t renounce my interest in ultimate reality, just the intense effort. In this new chapter of my journey, both intensity and desperation fell away. I still meditated, but only occasionally; when I truly wanted to. I became a “dabbler” in spiritual inquiry and spent the rest of my time simply tending to daily life.
I continued to listen to talks on the subject, and greatly enjoyed them (especially talks by Alan Watts and the conversations
published on his Waking Up app). It was the Waking Up app that introduced me to the work of Loch Kelly and Richard Lang. Their contributions to that app were the perfect antidote to the burnout I had experienced. With fascinating and playful “experiments” they guided me through many new ways of exploring my direct experience that had never occurred to me. This new chapter in my journey was the most enjoyable, by far. There was no pressure anymore, and I was just exploring for fun; guided simply by my curiosity. I began to realize just how bizarre ordinary experience was!In time, those moments of clarity began happening again. But I didn’t seek them out, nor did I cling to them when they happened. I just enjoyed them. When they passed, I simply went back to life as normal. Easy come, easy go...
I can’t explain how or why, but one day when one of those moments hit, it hit! Like a 400lb soft, cuddly, Cosmic pillow knocking you clean out of your shoes! Everything instantly became perfectly, perfectly clear!
THIS!
Just this!
Amusingly, even in a flash of great insight, my thinking mind still wasn’t content to be completely silent. It asked, almost-incredulously: “Wait! THIS? Is this what they’ve all been talking about all this time?!” Of course I couldn’t be certain that “this” was what the Buddha, Lao-Tzu, Bodhidharma, Bassui, Ramana Maharshi, Nisargadatta Maharaj, Suzuki-roshi, Alan Watts, Douglas Harding, Gary Weber, and everyone else were talking about. But if it wasn’t then I just couldn’t imagine what the hell they were talking about! I made a mental note that I would have to “confirm for myself” — but later4. The Cosmic Joke landed like a cream pie in the face and I burst out laughing… I don’t know how long I laughed for, but by the time it was over, I hurt. An entire lifetime spent ardently yearning and painfully fretting to the point of intense heartache — all for absolutely no reason! The revelation was both an unspeakable relief and utterly hilarious… I finally understood the perennial pointer:
“You already are The Answer you seek.”
Opposite Extremes of Experience
These moments of clarity are not themselves The Answer. I like to call them (as Roger Castillo does) “peak spiritual experiences.” And “The Cosmic/Mystical Experience” is the biggest one among them. They are a gift. So definitely enjoy them when they happen! But they are also rare and serendipitous. When one arises it would be wise to take advantage of it!
When a peak experience occurs it offers a unique opportunity to investigate your direct experience without distraction; without the usual, heavy-handed “blinders” of our conceptual presuppositions. There are countless conceptual presumptions we normally hold to that blind us to the true qualities of our experience-prior-to-thought. The peak experiences tend to soften or even remove those hang-ups completely.
These peak spiritual experiences often are accompanied by feelings like elation, relief, peace, belonging, openness, and so on. Couple that with the clarity that comes from an often-quiet mind and it’s not hard to see why so many of us get confused and start thinking the peak experience itself is what we’re looking for. We erroneously attempt to “stabilize” what is intrinsically ephemeral.
All experiences are transitory. Even the greatest peak experience will fade in time. Very often, when that happens, confusion and turmoil will arise in the mind again. And there can be a return of feelings like heaviness, stiffness, loneliness, alienation, loss, and… contraction.
Hence we have the word “contraction” in the spiritual journey. It really feels like you’ve shrank following such an elated state! At least it did for me.
Investigation Ideas: What changes and what doesn’t across experiences?
We have characterized both “contraction” and “peak spiritual” experiences. Now let’s look at them more closely and explore possible investigation ideas that could shed helpful light on the nature of awareness/experience across any and all states.
The Fundamental Nature is the true point of the seeking journey. It is what you are. It is what “knows” experience. Whether you experience something pleasurable, displeasurable, or literally nothing at all (think deep, dreamless sleep or anesthesia), it’s the Fundamental Nature that is the “light of knowing” of any and all of it. It knows them all equally. That is the power of your true self. That is what you need to come to appreciate for what-it-is.
When a peak spiritual experience comes along, the Fundamental Nature (manifesting as awareness/experience) “knows” the peak experience fully and perfectly without any effort. This is an excellent opportunity for you to explore your awareness/experience directly with minimal distraction.
Investigating Peaks
If you are lucky enough to have a peak experience occur, take a very close look at it! Can you see that awareness/experience is devoid of any substantial “self” already? There’s just experiencing. Some aspects of the experiencing could be described as “self” and some aspects of it could be described as “other.” But those are just conceptual labels “on top of” the pre-existing, nonconceptual totality that is your experience. There is no actual separation between “self” and “other” — they go together. Like Yin and Yang, or two sides of the same coin. This is what is meant by “nondual.” As Suzuki-roshi described the idea: “Not two and not one.” Distinctions without a difference (or division, if you prefer).
During a peak spiritual experience you can also explore the unreality of time. Time is a concept, as are “past,” “present,” and “future.” There are no such things in reality as “moments.” All a “moment” is is a way to think about an artificial fragmentation of the continuum of experiencing. You already live in eternity! We have another name for eternity in English: we call it “now.” Explore now! Now is all there ever was, all there is, and all there ever will be. It’s never not now! The past doesn’t exist and the future doesn’t exist. Like your identity, they are made of nothing but thoughts. Most of our cares and fears are tied to the past or the future. If you can come to see that the past and the future don’t actually exist, then there’s far less to worry about in life!
During a peak spiritual experience you can explore your fundamental Presence. Where are you? How big is awareness? Where is it located? Does it have edges or limits? Can you come to see that there is only “here?” There is nothing but “here” and “here” isn’t located anywhere! “Here” has no size and it has no shape. And yet it’s here. Here is you!
Again, enjoy peak experiences, but also take advantage of them when they do happen. And just as the peak experience arises, so, too, will it pass away. All experiences come and go. Now let’s look at the opposite of the “peak” experience.
Investigating Contractions
Let’s say a “contraction” comes along. When it does, the Fundamental Nature (manifesting as awareness/experience) “knows” the “contraction” experience fully and perfectly without any effort — exactly as it did for the peak experience. What happens if you perform the same investigation given above for the peak experience during a contraction experience?
Try it! Investigate the natures of awareness/experience, time, presence, etc. during “contraction” in exactly the same manner as you did during “peak.” What do you find? You will find exactly the same things! Awareness is perfectly aware, experience goes ever onward without effort, time doesn’t exist, there is only Here and Now…
In the transient peak experience there are (pleasant) transient thoughts and feelings. You are fully present for and aware of them. In the transient contraction experience there are (unpleasant) transient thoughts and feelings. You are fully present for and aware of them. And in both cases, every attribute of experience is ephemeral. There is no meaningful difference between peak and contraction experiences!
Investigating the Ho-Hum
To drive the point home even further: conduct the same investigation when you’re feeling totally normal. Not good, not bad, not excited, not miserable... Investigate while drinking a beverage. When going to the bathroom. When walking down a long, monotonous hallway. Stare at a blank wall for five minutes (preferably while no one is looking)… Try it! You will find nothing is different from the investigations of peaks and contractions even when things are “normal.” At any moment there can be thoughts, feelings, and/or sensations coming and going — and you are fully present and aware of them always. Here is a fine point to be very clear on: you may not be paying attention to them equally all the time (in fact most people are not, most of the time); but you are perfectly aware of them. That distinction is a totally different subject, and I’ve tried to address it here.
When a peak experience happens, that doesn’t mean something is “going right.” When a “contraction” experience happens, that doesn’t mean something is “going wrong.” Both are simply passing states, and no state itself if the point. The only real point is the Fundamental Nature that knows the coming-and-going of all states. No transitory state can enhance the Fundamental Nature, and no state can diminish it.
The Significance of Feelings
The feeling of contraction isn’t “true” — as in it doesn’t mean “a contraction is happening” — it’s just a feeling. All feelings are ephemeral. We don’t have to deny the feeling when it appears, of course. What would be the point? But, more importantly, we shouldn’t ascribe significance to a feeling that just isn’t true.
To illustrate, here is another a feeling that can cause confusion for the seeker: I have a definite feeling of “being a self” most of the time when I physically act in the world. This was a perplexing riddle during my ardent-inquiry days. “Why do I feel like a self?!” An adjective leaps to mind to describe that feeling of “being a self” — contracted.
I literally felt contracted when I felt like a “self.” This seemed to be a problem needing to be overcome. How wrong I was! I later realized the right question to ask was: “Does this feeling of being a self mean there actually is a self?” The answer is: no! Again the feeling is just a feeling — nothing more than that! Feelings come and go. Neither the feelings themselves, nor their transience is a problem.
My feeling of “being a self” goes away all the time. For instance, when I loaf and watch pretty clouds floating by in the sky (which is one of my favorite things to do). Does my actual “self” go away when that feeling of “being a self” goes away? If it does, then that so-called “self” was never me in the first place. If it doesn’t go away, then the feeling of “being a self” is totally uncorrelated to any “actual self.” Therefore, the feeling of “being a self” has no significance whatsoever — it’s just another feeling that comes and goes! So there’s no need to worry about it.
Critiques on Teachers’ Common Misunderstandings
There were two reasons for writing this essay. One was that my personal confusion on these points eventually got cleared up, which came as a great relief. I hope that by recounting part of the journey that will help provide clarity/encouragement to some readers. The second reason for writing this essay was a desire to try to address perennial misunderstandings/hang-ups on these experiences that are advocated by many teachers. These misunderstandings are invalid, so they should stop being raised. Yet I’ve not heard any push-back against these erroneous ideas. So I will attempt to offer helpful clarifications here.
Please do not take what follows as me picking on Sam Harris. As I mentioned in my morality essay I have a tremendous amount of respect for him and his work. His Waking Up app was a huge pivot point in my seeking journey. But since he puts the following erroneous arguments forward publicly, I think they warrant a public rebuttal. Many other popular teachers advocate very similar misunderstandings (often far more egregious ones), but I’m not as familiar with their work. So Sam Harris is the “lucky winner” selected for this critique.
I’m pulling this particular example from a conversation he held with Loch Kelly5. In the Waking Up app it’s entitled “The Most Important Thing” and my timestamps will reflect that app’s playback. Kelly also released the conversation on his “Effortless Mindfulness” podcast. That episode is called “Nondual Mindfulness 2” and both the episode page, and the transcript I quote from can be found here. Note I have edited that transcript below for clarity and error correction.
Confusing the Derivative for the Fundamental, and confusion about “Enlightenment” and Identity:
Quoting Sam Harris, starting at about 0:22:00
…there’s this phrase in the Dzogchen teachings which recurs a lot, ‘taking the goal as the path,’ right?
And what that means is, you recognize nondual awareness, rigpa, and it’s completely unconstructed, unimprovable nature. The translation of Dzogchen is great perfection or great completion, right? So this… thing is already perfect. It’s already complete and you’re already identical to it, right?
…before you recognize awareness in this way, you can be mindful of the evidence of your unenlightenment… You can be dualistically aware of, ‘Oh, here it’s just still me again, still not a Buddha.’
But once you recognize the nonduality of awareness, then your mindfulness discloses that again, and in each moment of that, there’s no basis to seek it, right? There’s no basis to hope for it in the future. No basis to make a path out of it. There’s just a return to the nature of mind. So the goal becomes the path. And the path of practice at that point becomes a mere enjoyment of the goal. Then your failure to be a Buddha is, perhaps it’s no less galling in the aggregate. But it’s paradoxical in a way that it wasn’t. Because in each moment of looking, you can’t actually find the evidence of your [unenlightenment]. The evidence is always a thought about what happened a moment ago, when you weren’t mindful.
First important point: if rigpa is “nondual awareness,” then rigpa is not unconstructed/unimprovable. This would mean the Dzogchen tradition is flat-out wrong. Now if rigpa is another name for the Fundamental Nature, then it would be correct to say “rigpa” is unconstructed/unimprovable. But then any teacher (including Sam) who says “nondual awareness” IS rigpa is flat-out wrong. This is a big problem! And it’s very common to find problems of this magnitudes within the traditions; hence why I try to steer people away from traditions altogether.
Another point needing clarification: awareness/experience is inherently nondual already, so there’s no need to call it “nondual awareness.” The only “duality” that “exists” is merely a result of conceptual thinking. Conceptual thinking is but one type of appearance within awareness. And dualistic thinking doesn’t “touch” the fact of nondual awareness/experience at all. In other words, awareness is forever and always nondual even while dualistic thinking appears within it. The nondual contains the seeming-dual. But also critically important to remember: awareness/experience is not fundamental. It comes and goes within the Fundamental Nature in the same way that being/existence comes and goes within it. Now let’s go back to the quote and add some fine points:
“So this… thing is already perfect. It’s already complete and you’re already identical to it, right?“
No, awareness/experience isn’t “perfect” or “complete.” It is complete within the Fundamental Nature only with the inclusion of it’s opposite manifestation: unawareness/nonexperience. The combination of those opposites is what the Fundamental Nature manifests; that union of opposites is what is perfect and complete. Just as it takes the union of being/nonbeing and existence/nonexistence to make the whole. You are not identical to awareness — you are identical to the Fundamental Nature, which includes both awareness and oblivion.
Next point: “You can be dualistically aware of, ‘Oh, here it’s just still me again, still not a Buddha.’”
No. You can’t be “dualistically aware” of anything. You can only think dualistically within the much greater (and innate) capacity of nondual awareness. That doesn’t make duality true — in fact it’s never “true!” You can only dualistically think you are (or are not) a Buddha. But regardless of what you think, that has no bearing on awareness itself. The thinking is a transient appearance within awareness. Further, the only “unenlightenment” there is is not recognizing your Fundamental Nature for what it is. But whether you recognize it or don’t, neither state has any bearing on the Fundamental Nature itself, or the nature of awareness/experience itself. This brings us to a point we will return to: in many senses [un]enlightenment is not very important!
Continuing: “But once you recognize the nonduality of awareness, then your mindfulness discloses that again, and in each moment of that, there’s no basis to seek it, right? There’s no basis to hope for it in the future. No basis to make a path out of it.“
Recognizing the nondual nature of awareness is not the endgame. It’s getting close, but still not there. What is the “it” that is aware? Awareness comes and goes6! So what does not come and go? That is the point — the “light” that is behind awareness is the point There is no “mindfulness” of this fact. You either recognize it or you don’t. If you don’t recognize it, you very well may think there is some practice to have, some path to follow, or something to do. But if you do realize that this light-behind-awareness is the point and it’s literally what you are — then there’s nothing you can do with or about it! It’s just as fact! Are you aware? That’s it. That is the magic! And it’s impossible to forget once you’ve realized it. Mindfulness has absolutely nothing to do with this recognition.
Having said that, he’s quite correct that there’s no reason to seek it, or try to achieve it, or hope for it in the future. Can you see how doing so would be a recipe for frustration?
“There’s just a return to the nature of mind. So the goal becomes the path. And the path of practice at that point becomes a mere enjoyment of the goal.“
There’s no “return” to the nature of mind that’s even possible — it’s impossible to ever depart from the nature of mind! Even if you wanted to do so, and no matter how hard you tried, you cannot depart from what you are. So don’t attempt the impossible, just look at what is for what-it-is. Recognize it! Do you realize what you are or don’t you? If you don’t, then there is a “practice:” keep looking at it until you see it clearly and you can’t forget it! There is no other practice than this.
“Then your failure to be a Buddha is, perhaps it’s no less galling in the aggregate…”
A Buddha is simply one who recognizes the Fundamental Nature for what it is and nothing more. Even if one doesn’t recognize the fact of the Fundamental Nature, in no way does that impair the Fundamental Nature. So, again, “being a Buddha” is not really that important. There are countless people out there that have come to understand their Fundamental Nature. At least tens, if not hundreds of thousands. They’re all Buddhas, but they realize it’s embarrassingly aggrandizing to speak in such terms, so they don’t do it. When one realizes one’s true nature (which is all that the title “Buddha” should indicates), one realizes that everyone (and everything!) has that same nature. So it’s nothing special — you’re nothing special. The magic can be adored and celebrated, of course; but it’s universal to all. Talk of Buddhas or Enlightenment is simply going to muddy waters and cause more confusion than help. Better to drop the concepts altogether!
Case and point: “Because in each moment of looking, you can’t actually find the evidence of your [unenlightenment]. The evidence is always a thought about what happened a moment ago, when you weren’t mindful.”
[Un]enlightenment isn’t really a “thing.” And if someone is going to argue that it is a “thing,” it’s certainly not an important thing. Any discussion of [un]enlightenment is nothing but conceptual blather. Awareness/experience is not conceptual. It contains the conceptual. And the Fundamental Nature is what contains awareness/experience. There is no “evidence” to collect or evaluate one way or the other! All this talk of evidence is a waste of time. Are you aware? Yes? So you know you’re aware? Well then, how do you know you’re aware?
That is the only question to ask and the only “evidence” that needs looking at. Stop talking, stop thinking, and just look! The answer is obvious and there is nothing the thinking mind can do about this fact. That inability itself is what causes us to not recognize this is the true answer to all our questions.
Confusion Regarding “Contraction”
Let’s link the prior confusion (and what are, hopefully, reasonable corrections) back in to the misunderstandings about “contraction.” Consider this excerpt from the same conversation (transcript again edited for clarity/errors) at about about 0:40:30:
…you can see that you are not on the edge of experience looking in, or you’re not on the edge of your life appropriating experience. It’s just experience, without center. And it’s always available, no matter what was arising a second ago. Therefore it doesn’t, in principle, require any buildup or continuity of mindfulness or anything else to get there. It’s already the way consciousness is. So you’re not improving anything by having had a great meditative experience for the last 45 minutes.
Again, it’s orthogonal to the contents of consciousness. So it’s not improved by the vastness of a psychedelic experience, and it’s not actually cramped or degraded by the contraction of a neurotic experience. You could be as neurotic as you want up until this moment, and then you look for the center, and there is none.
So the energy of neurosis doesn’t even have to dissipate. Although it will, if you keep doing that. It will, because you’re no longer creating the circumstances for it to arise subsequently. But your freedom from neurosis isn’t predicated upon the energy, the physiology of your contraction (whether it was anger or sadness or embarrassment…) — your freedom isn’t predicated on that dissipating suddenly. Because even in the midst of that energy, you can recognize there’s no center and no one to be captured by the energy that’s there…
Following an opening that is exactly correct, he says: “It’s just experience, without center. And it’s always available, no matter what was arising a second ago.“
Use of the word “available” indicates misunderstanding (or, at least, a poor word choice). Awareness/experience can never be anything but present. There’s no choice in the matter! Awareness/experience are present whether you like it nor not. So it makes no sense to frame things in terms that imply awareness may or may not be “available.”
Next, there is no correlation between the fact of awareness/experience and the manner of content appearing within it. To even say “…no matter what…” indicates a misunderstanding that there can be some sort of correlation. There simply isn’t. There is an inevitability to awareness/experience that needs to be deeply recognized and acknowledged. If that hasn’t “sunk in” to the point of being crystal clear — and permanently so — then one needs to keep looking at it until it “sinks in” permanently.
“Therefore it doesn’t, in principle, require any buildup or continuity of mindfulness or anything else to get there. It’s already the way consciousness is.”
Not only not “in principle,” but not even in practice. Again if this is not perfectly clear, then one hasn’t got the point yet. Regardless of how much continuity of mindfulness one has linked together, it will never increase the “ability” of awareness one iota. You can only train your “meta-attention” through mindfulness practice. And even that “practice” doesn’t really help you get the point either You just have to keep looking (regardless of your “mindfulness” prowess) until you see it.
This recognition is exactly like how the “Magic Eye” images work. You can’t “practice” seeing a particular Magic Eye image. You either see it or you don’t. If you don’t see it, then you must keep looking until you do see it. But that’s not “practice!” It’s simply looking! And when the image does pop out, it happens all at once and is the most obvious thing in the world. Further, when you finally see the image you know full well you didn’t accomplish/achieve/attain anything — you just serendipitously stopped failing to see what was already there. Awakening is exactly like that. Last clarification on this point: Sam uses the word “consciousness” here, but means what I mean when I say “awareness.”
“So you’re not improving anything by having had a great meditative experience for the last 45 minutes.”
You are not improving the fact of awareness, yes, but you very much could be improving certain aspects of the appearances within awareness. There’s a big difference between the two. There’s nothing wrong with enjoyment and nothing wrong with this kind of activity. This comment strikes me as overly-dismissive.
“Again, it’s orthogonal to the contents of consciousness. So it’s not improved by the vastness of a psychedelic experience…”
“Orthogonal” is a very unhelpful concept here. The “it” he’s referring to is the fact of awareness/experience. The fact of awareness is not-at-all “orthogonal” to its “contents.” [Needed aside: the phrase “contents of consciousness” is also highly dualistic and therefore potentially very misleading. A much better phrase is “appearances within (or of) awareness). End aside.] To be “orthogonal” is to put things on the same “footing” in a sense (e.g. the “X” and “Y” axes on a graph are orthogonal). But that’s a very inaccurate way to look at awareness and the appearances within it. Awareness is more fundamental than it’s appearances. It is both the context for, and the “material” of, the appearances within it. The appearances can be anything at all, but the context and luminosity of awareness don’t ever change even one little bit, irrespective of the appearances, until awareness itself “winks out.7” But I do agree with his last clause, at least.
“… and it’s not actually cramped or degraded by the contraction of a neurotic experience. You could be as neurotic as you want up until this moment, and then you look for the center, and there is none.”
I’m going read “neurotic” in a casual, conversational sense, which I can comment on (as opposed to a clinical sense, which I can’t comment on). He is correct that a “contraction” experience, concomitant with fear, nervousness, guilt/shame, etc., does not detract from awareness at all. Just consider how painfully clearly and effortlessly such feelings are experienced8! But if you have that kind of experience and then “look for the center” — he’s totally wrong! — you will find one, guaranteed. But only if you look hard enough. That is far easier said than done.
The causes of these experiences are often the most subtle of thoughts. These particular kinds of “contraction” experiences (the ones with excessive negative emotions) are entirely predicated on the false belief that you are something you’re not. As discussed in my essay on suffering, all of our problems of this sort come from a mistaken belief in a false identity. That is to say we honestly believe we are something other than the Fundamental Nature. But such a belief just isn’t true. This identity with the Fundamental Nature is not a doctrine to be “believed” in, it’s a fact waiting to be discovered by the conceptual, thinking mind.
Once one crosses the threshold of realizing their Fundamental Nature — and that they are it — then these “contraction” experiences are seen to be based on erroneous assumptions about who/what you are. At their very core they are both purely conceptual and erroneous! That is to say there very much is a “center” to these negative “contraction” experiences that waits to be found, if only one can look carefully enough.
Of course, awareness is already nondual (a.k.a without center), regardless if one is having a highly pleasurable or highly displeasurable experience. But the seeker needs to ask why the overly-negative “contraction” experiences are happening in the first place! They are not random, and they are not inevitable. Once one gets perfectly clear on their Fundamental nature, then these experiences vanish from one’s life utterly. That is the true end of suffering! Wouldn’t that be nice to have? There is a permanent end to self-loathing, guilt, and shame available!
“So the energy of neurosis doesn’t even have to dissipate. Although it will, if you keep doing that. It will, because you’re no longer creating the circumstances for it to arise subsequently. “
No, the energy will dissipate without fail, full stop. All experiences come and go. “This, too, shall pass.” Although, while one of these incidents is happening, you will do yourself a favor if you just get on with regular life as best you can. If it “sticks around” it’s because you are reinforcing it through conceptual thinking (although this is often on such a subtle level most people don’t even realize it’s happening). That is the correct understanding of “creating circumstances for it to arise…”.
“But your freedom from [contraction] isn’t predicated upon the energy, the physiology of your contraction (whether it was anger or sadness or embarrassment…) …dissipating suddenly. Because even in the midst of that energy, you can recognize there’s no center and no one to be captured by the energy that’s there… ”
Recognizing “there’s no center” and “no one to be captured” is not the only “freedom from contraction” that’s on offer. Nor is that the kind of “freedom” most people want! What Sam is describing (recognizing the nondual quality of awareness) is always true — in good experiences and bad — so it’s of no real help; and in moments of pain/distress, it’s honestly not very interesting.
There is complete liberation and perfect freedom from that kind of “contraction” suffering available! Again, that kind of “contraction” is entirely based upon erroneous presumptions that you are a finite, limited, isolated, human-person contained in a bag of skin. That’s a false belief. Freedom/liberation comes when the conceptual, thinking mind becomes convinced of the falsity of those presumptions. Since those presumptions really are false, there’s always hope that this realization can occur this side of the grave!
You are not a finite, limited, isolated, human-person contained in a bag of skin. Nor are you anything else you can conceive of! The “conceiving of” itself is huge key to the problem. I have an essay on that topic as well, here.
Conclusion
For now, suffice to say you are the Fundamental Nature. Not in a conceptual sense, but there is a “core” to your direct experience that is waiting to be discovered and recognized by the thinking mind. Awareness/experience is a derivative appearance within that Fundamental Nature. And the seeming finite, limited, isolated, human-person contained in a bag of skin, is a derivative appearance within awareness/experience. The real you is the Fundamental, not the derivative.
If a person wants to be free of this kind of “contraction” suffering, it’s far easier to start by getting clear on what the Fundamental Nature is, rather than to trying to sort through the morass of personal suffering. You can spend a lifetime on the latter; but without the former you will never finish the job. Conversely, if you get clear on the Fundamental Nature first, then clearing up the morass is actually a manageable task. In fact, for many people it’s automatic!
Perfect freedom is available9! Don’t listen to teachers that say otherwise. Instead, look within directly.
What do you find?
In the final “threshold-crossing” event, the resulting period of clarity lasted something like 10 days! But don’t worry, the monkey mind eventually did come back — still human! ;) But that threshold-crossing is a binary event; when the monkey mind returned, I automatically (and permanently) could/can recognize it for what it is. Chiefly it’s a lot of nonsense that can basically be “tuned out” as one goes about one’s daily life. A quiet mind is lovely, but it’s not required to find the end of suffering.
Interesting coda: If I want a quiet mind, after that threshold crossing it now takes (more than zero but) almost no effort to achieve it. An analogy courtesy of a friend of mine: how much effort does it take to unclench your jaw when your jaw-clenching is giving you a headache? Realizing you have a clenched jaw is harder, by far, than making the effort to unclench it. Mindfulness meditation practice can help one become more sensitive to having a “clenched jaw.” But after the threshold-crossing, detecting the “clenched jaw” is forever instantaneous, automatic, and effortless. The subsequent effort to “unclench” is but a trifle.
After that short period, he ceased email communication for medical reasons. He’s the only spiritual instructor who ever took the pains to offer me guidance. It would take another 18 months for everything to “click” on my end. But “click,” it did! Although, in a totally different manner than for Gary. But freedom is as freedom does ;)
Even though I prefer to approach and speak about The Fundamental in a very different manner than Gary (which is why his work isn’t linked on my References page), his kindness and openness permanently marked me. I will be forever grateful to him. I’ve had people ask me why I don’t charge money for “coaching.” The answer is always the same: “Gary never asked me for anything.” I endeavor to offer encouragement and pointers freely and with love, as Gary did.
That confirmation investigation did begin that day, But it took about two months of study to complete. That investigation was what led me to the work of John Wheeler (see References page). Yes, what was revealed to me that day is what they were all talking about :)
There is no great impetus behind selecting this particular conversation other than a transcript was already available. The points that Sam raises in it, and that I attempt to rectify, are points he has shared publicly many times over. This conversation seemed a representative example.
Riffing off a turn of conversation between John Wheeler and Charlie Hayes that I’ve mentioned elsewhere: Imagine you were put under general anesthesia for a surgery. After you have fully recovered someone asks you “Were you aware while under anesthesia?” You could say with full confidence “No, I wasn’t aware.” The true point of the seeking journey could be illustrated with a follow-up question: “Okay, so how do you know you weren’t aware?” There’s no good answer in words! But you just do know that you weren’t aware simply because you weren’t aware. There is “knowledge” of the absence of experience, but the absence of experience is not itself an experience. It is the opposite of experience. The Fundamental Nature knows them both and THAT is it’s power. Omnipotence, the true creatio ex nihilo. And that is what you are.
Some argue that awareness devoid of appearances doesn’t exist. Those of us who have experienced “cessation” or “pure consciousness/awareness” experiences obviously do not agree.
One thing to not exactly look forward to with full awakening - when classically negative experiences do arise (e.g. intense pain, trauma, grief, anger, etc.) the former, distractive “defenses” of the old ways are permanently demolished. You face the full pain and discomfort of such circumstances with zero defenses! So pain is actually experienced more sharply after awakening than before. But that’s okay. Pain is just pain, grief is just grief. There’s nothing wrong with them and one’s heart and mind can grow to absorb them without additional suffering. Awareness already invites them in with perfect equanimity. And that is much closer to your true nature than the miserly nature of the the thinking mind that cobbled together defenses against such negative experiences.
This discussion about how thoughts form duality but awareness is inherently non-dual, reminds me of a fantastic book called philosophy in the flesh. The whole premise of the book is systematically, constructing an argument, saying that all thought is inherently metaphor. Metaphors aren’t just something we use but thoughts are metaphors that have their base in bodily experiences that then chain these metaphors together lead to greater concepts and abstractions. However, they repeatedly show that all metaphors are inherently dualistic because they have a figure and a background. The metaphors that we have for concepts like time or justice can seem contradictory, but yet true within the confines of each own metaphor but alternate in what’s the figure and what’s the background.
Lance, I felt like I was going through a "contraction" today. And the thought came up: "but I just can't stop identifying with the thoughts/image of myself". Like, identification is happening and there's nothing I can do about it! I've lost all understanding/realization! I'm identifying again! Despair! But! I read this essay and thought: the feeling that identification is happening does NOT mean it's actually happening. The idea of "identification" is ridiculous, really.. like WHO's identificating?So I came to the conclusion that identification, like contraction, is not a real process that happens. So, in other words, no "regression in understanding" actually happened. It's just a feeling.